Flashpoint
[title type="subtitle-h6"]Lindsay Nigh[/title][vc_row][vc_column width="11/12"][vc_column_text] It’s been three days since the temperature last dipped below 95 degrees when the only working fan in the apartment stutters to a defeated stop. Julian doesn’t even notice right away. The windows have been open since the heat wave hit, tasking the fan to push the hot, swampy air around in a pathetic attempt to abate some of the stifling heat. Up until its sudden and untimely death, the fan had only succeeded in directing faster-moving 95 degree air at Julian’s spot on the floor. The distinct lack of clicking from the fan’s motor catches Julian’s attention after a minute and he cracks open a sweaty eyelid.He debates the merits of getting up and trying to fix the fan, but decides to lie in a puddle of his own sweat instead. That’s how Alex finds him half an hour later.“Hey Jules,” Alex calls out the second he’s through the door, already making a beeline for the fridge. Despite the heat and Julian’s vocal disapproval, Alex has kept up with the unofficial pre-boot camp Marines training guide. He drains two bottles of water before scanning the apartment for Julian. “Jules?”“Mmm,” Julian grunts back from the floor.Alex walks into the den, stopping with one foot on either side of Julian’s head and smirking down at him. “Hey. Why are you on the floor?”“Because hot air rises and this is as low as I can go,” Julian replies, grey eyes slitting open to glare up at Alex, nose scrunching up. “I hope your run was worth it. You reek.”Alex pokes Julian’s cheek with the tip of his athletic shoe. “You’re not really in a position to criticize, babe. Why don’t you have the fan on?”“The fan has fallen in battle against the Great Summer San Diego Heat Wave, as this bullshit weather is apparently being called. The fan has kicked the bucket. The fan is no more.”“Shit, really?” Alex steps carefully over Julian’s prone body to inspect the fan. “Damn. Looks like the motor gave out.”“Looks like we need a new fan, more like. Or, y’know. Functional air conditioning.” “Ooh.” Alex chuckles, sitting down next to Julian. “Dreaming big today.”Julian sighs, rubbing his forehead against the fabric of Alex’s shorts. They’re soaked through with sweat from his run, though in this weather, nothing stays dry for long anyway. The humidity has gotten so bad that Alex’s Iron Man posters have all given up the fight against gravity, sliding limply off the sticky walls and curling in on themselves, circlets of duct tape on their backs coating with sand and dust from the floor. The only reprieve Julian can get from the heat is at work, but even the pet store doesn’t have an A/C unit quite cut out for these kinds of hellish temperatures. Today, he doesn’t even have that. Days off from work are usually something Julian treasures, but not when his apartment feels like a sauna and he has to spend it on the floor in a pair of ratty boxers to feel even the slightest bit of relief.“It’s cooled off a little now that the sun’s gone down. You should’ve come running with me,” Alex says.“Why the hell would I do that?” Julian glances up at Alex. “I’m not the one who’s training to be a goddamn Marine. That’s all on you.”Alex stiffens.Julian can taste the sudden tension in the air like a physical thing, a metallic tang at the back of his throat. They’ve been having this fight for months now—ever since Alex’s twenty-second birthday, when his father had sent a card containing twenty-two dollars and a Marines recruitment pamphlet, as well as a post script that instructed Alex to “tell your friend Julian hello from me.” Alex’s father had made it to Captain in the Marines before he’d retired, and Julian is pretty sure Alex’s grandfather had been at least a Lieutenant. It’s a family tradition, apparently, and Captain Williams is not a subtle man.“I know you’re tired of hearing me say this, but I think you’re making a huge mistake.” “That’s your opinion.” Alex’s legs shift away, thigh pulling back from Julian’s forehead. “Just because it’s my opinion doesn’t mean I’m not right.”Alex sighs, running a hand through his dirty blonde hair. “It’s my decision, Jules.”“I know it is.” Julian levers himself up onto his elbows. “I just really don’t want you to go. I mean, this isn’t something you can get out of if it doesn’t work out. This is the Marines, Alex. You’re signing your life over to them, or at least the next eight years of it.”“I’m well aware.” Alex pulls at his shoelaces. Instead of untying, the laces tighten.“I don’t want us to fight again,” Julian says.“Then please.” Alex gives up on the laces with an annoyed huff, toeing his shoes off by the heels. “Don’t try and fight me on this. This is what I want, Julian.”“Fine.”Alex cocks an eyebrow at him. “That wasn’t very convincing.”“I don’t know what you want me to say.” Julian picks at a loose thread on the waistband of his boxers. “I don’t want to lose you. Especially not to something you don’t have to do.”“I don’t want to be a bartender for the rest of my life. Most people like a man in uniform, y’know.“I like you just fine without a uniform, Alex.” Julian pushes himself off the floor and pads towards their bedroom. “I’m going to bed. It’s too hot to fight about this shit again.”“Hey,” Alex says suddenly. “I love you.”Julian pauses in the doorway. Alex is still sitting cross-legged in his old basketball shorts and ratty tank top, looking at Julian expectantly, blue eyes earnest. He forgot sunscreen today. There’s a faint dusting of pink across the tops of his tanned shoulders, and his nose and cheeks have already darkened to a rosy flush. He’ll have new freckles within the next few weeks and Julian will have new constellations to map out on his skin. “You can come to bed after you’ve showered.”The bedroom is no better temperature-wise than the den, so Julian just flops tiredly on top of the sheets. He hears Alex starting up the shower in the bathroom—he knows he won’t be long; between the drought mandates and his determined preparation for military life, Alex has gotten his showers down to about ninety seconds. Julian closes his eyes, trying to block out the world for a moment, but Alex’s words keep running circles in his head. He knows Alex wants more out of his life than what bartending is offering him, and Julian can’t blame him. Alex’s career has always been a sore spot. He’d taken a gap year after high school, moved from Lakeside to San Diego with a friend, and gotten a job at one of the local bars, The Ugly Dog. That’s where Julian met him, on his nineteenth birthday. That, in and of itself, had probably not been too surprising, considering the fact that The Ugly Dog had been a pretty common hangout for San Diego State students, but the fake ID Julian’s roommate had gotten for him was particularly egregious, and Alex hadn’t been able to ignore that. The only reason Julian hadn’t ended up talking to the police that night was because Alex had taken mercy on him. Alex had promised that instead of handing the fake over to the cops, he’d just toss it. He’d also mentioned that if Julian wanted, Alex had some booze back at his place and his roommate was out of town so, if, you know, Julian was interested, well, Alex was offering. So Julian had contented himself with sipping a Coke until Alex’s shift had ended and he’d woken up the next morning with a hangover and a boyfriend. They’d moved in with each other six months later. For a while, it had been great. Julian had changed his major from psychology to art before settling on nonprofit leadership and Alex had worked his way through some of the other bars around campus, but they’d always had each other to come home to after a long day of studying or drunk customers. Then Julian had graduated, and Alex had seemed to realize that one gap year had turned into four. Which is why now, one epiphany and one meddling birthday card later, the US Marine Corps is suddenly a thing Julian has to worry about.The sound of the bathroom door opening startles Julian from his thoughts, and a few moments later, Alex walks in, scrubbing a towel over his hair before dropping it next to the bed and climbing in.“What did I tell you about wet towels and our floors?” Julian rolls over to face Alex, eyebrows raised.“To not put them there?” Alex smiles like he already knows Julian’s going to let him get away with this. “Does it really matter though? In this humidity, it’s not gonna dry any faster in the bathroom.”“Just this once, Alex.”“Mhm.” Alex loops his arm over Julian’s waist. “Sure thing, babe.”Julian pokes Alex’s arm. “I’m blaming you if I die of heat exhaustion during the night.”“I don’t run that warm, Jules.”“Yes, you do. Also, we need to talk about some stuff tomorrow.” “I know. But sleep first.”Despite the heat, Julian tangles their fingers together and pulls Alex’s arm tighter around his torso. Alex responds with a soft kiss against the back of his neck, and Julian lets sleep find them.
They don’t talk in the morning.Julian wakes to find Alex already gone, presumably on his morning training run and really, Julian thinks, fuck the Marines. The heat hasn’t abated at all, which means the shorts and t-shirt he puts on are soaked through by the time he finishes breakfast. Julian is just starting to consider slogging down to the local Walmart to pick up a new fan when Alex’s phone starts ringing in the bedroom. Julian jogs into the room and fishes Alex’s phone out from under the bed by the last ring. The caller ID is simply an emoji of a lit grenade, so Julian decides to take his chances and hit “accept.”“Hello?” It’s not even nine o’clock yet, which means someone really wants to talk to Alex, and Julian is curious.“Alex?” a deep voice asks, and Julian stills. He knows that voice.“Captain Williams. Alex isn’t here right now.”“Ah.” Captain Williams clears his throat. “Julian.”“That’s my name.”“Well.” Captain Williams’ voice takes on an odd, strained quality. “Where is Alex? I need to speak with him.”“He’s out running. You can tell me whatever you need him to know. I’ll be sure to pass the message along.”All Julian hears is static, and for a moment, he thinks Alex’s father has hung up on him. Then—“Fine. I wanted to let him know that when he goes to the recruitment office today, he should ask for Sergeant Daniels—he’s an old buddy of mine. He’ll get Alex set up.”Julian’s grip on the phone tightens. “Who says Alex is going to a recruitment office?” “He notified me yesterday.”The damp heat in the apartment suddenly becomes cloying, suffocating Julian where he stands. There’s a faint ringing in his ears. “I—” Julian swallows, throat dry despite the humidity. “I didn’t know that. I’ll be sure to tell him.”“See that you do.” The line disconnects with an abrupt click.Julian slumps onto the bed, dropping Alex’s phone onto his rumpled towel from the night before. It seems as though the world has been sharpened, and Julian is emerging from a blur and feeling its edges for the first time. It’s not as though he hadn’t seen this coming—Alex has been talking about this for months now—but it had never felt real. Julian had hoped that it was all just talk, that Alex would change his mind, or that Julian would change it for him. The idea of Alex actually joining the Marines had been like a mirage to him—visible, but far off, and never reachable. He hadn’t let himself consider the possibility that one day it wouldn’t be an illusion anymore.A part of Julian can understand why Alex didn’t tell him about whatever conversation had transpired with his father the day before. Julian and Captain Williams aren’t on the best of terms. Alex isn’t exactly on great terms with his father either, but they’re civil to each other. And now, well. Julian imagines Captain Williams is his own repressed version of ecstatic at the idea of his son following in his footsteps. He’s sure Alex knows it. Even with their disagreements over Alex’s “choice of roommate”—as Captain Williams ever-so-tactfully phrased it—Alex’s deference for his father runs deep. News of his plans to join up would rebuild at least a few bridges between them.Julian flops back against the unmade sheets just as the door to their apartment opens and closes. He can barely hear Alex’s footfalls, and for a brief moment, Julian is delivered to the cool memory of nine weeks ago; Alex curled at his back, reading out of the Marines training guide about the importance of learning to sprint quietly on all terrains, one of his hands trailing up and down Julian’s bare side.“Hey,” Alex says from the doorway, pulling Julian back to the present. “I thought you might’ve still been asleep.”Julian surveys the long, thin crack on their bedroom ceiling. “Your dad called.”“Oh.” Alex’s posture shifts from relaxed slouch to something like parade rest. “What did he say?”“That you’d talked to him yesterday.”“I did.” Alex is one long line of tension. “Did he say anything else?”“To ask for Sergeant Daniels at the recruiter’s. Apparently he’s a buddy.”“Okay,” Alex says, “thanks.” He opens his mouth to say something else, but whatever it is dies on his tongue and he pulls an about face, heading for the door again.“Wait!” Julian scrambles off the bed, stumbling after him. “Don’t do this, Alex, please.” “Jules.” Alex sounds weary, as if he’s already gone off to war. “We’ve been over this.”“I don’t want to lose you,” Julian grits out, throat tight. “You won’t.”“You can’t promise that.” Julian steps into Alex’s space, cups Alex’s jaw in his hands. “What if you get killed? Do you have any idea what that would do to me?”Alex’s expression softens, and his hands come up to cover Julian’s. “I’m not going to die, Julian. The Marines are the best for a reason, y’know.”“And do you know where they send the best? The hardest places. You can’t guarantee me your safety, Alex. And even if you could, you’re still leaving.”“It’s not forever.” Alex’s hands slide down to encircle Julian’s wrists, drawing them down to hang between them.“It might as well be.” Julian breaks Alex’s grip on his wrists, pulling back. “You’ll be in basic for twelve weeks, then you get, what, ten days off? Then you’re back for more training and, eventually, deployment. That’s how it’s gonna be for the next eight years of your life. The only time I’ll ever see you is between assignments. And that’s just on my end—I know Don’t Ask has been repealed for a while now but you’re still gonna get shit. How well do you think the guys in your unit are gonna take it that when they find out you’ve got a fucking boyfriend?”Alex’s gaze slides down and away and what he isn’t saying hits Julian square in the chest. “Oh my god,” Julian manages. “You weren’t going to tell them.”“I thought maybe that would be… best.”A dark, poisonous thought insinuates itself into Julian’s mind and he has to know, has to know now—“Are you ashamed of me?”“What?” Alex’s head jerks up. “No, of course not, how could you even think that?”“How could I not?” Julian replies. “You just told me you want to keep me a secret from everyone you will ever work with.”“That’s not because I’m ashamed of you, or us. It’s just a matter of efficiency. It’s just… easier.”“Yeah,” Julian says, “because lying about who you are sounds like a walk in the park.” “I’m not lying, I’m just omitting.”“Jesus Christ.” Julian rakes a hand through his hair, eyes clenching shut. “Why are you even doing this?”“Because,” Alex’s voice cuts through the air like a whip. “I feel like I’m stagnating—like if I don’t do something with my life soon, I never will.”“So your first instinct is to join the fucking Marines?”“Is that really so bad?” Alex isn’t backing down. His hands have curled into fists at his sides and his chin is tilted up, defiant. “It’s an honorable profession. I’d be making a difference, serving a greater purpose.”“Yeah, toeing the party line and doing what your dad wants. How revolutionary.” Julian regrets the words as soon as they’re out.“This isn’t just because of my dad, Julian,” Alex snaps. “This is about me. I want purpose in my life. I need to be a part of something greater than the San Diego bar scene, for fuck’s sake.” Julian swallows. “You can’t find purpose here?”“I don’t know,” Alex shrugs, “maybe I could. But I have the opportunity to be a third generation Marine and that feels like a hell of a lot more of a calling than tech school or an office job.”“What about me?” Julian asks, putting forth his last line of defense.Alex’s brow furrows, mouth curving up into a sad proximity of a smile. “I love you, Jules. I do. But I need to do this. You can’t be my everything. Not for this.”Julian feels empty, hollowed. He’s out of ammunition. “So that’s it, then.”“I’m sorry,” Alex says. He sounds it. “I know it’s hard, but I’m willing to make this work if you are.”“You’re willing to make me a secret, you mean.” Alex doesn’t deny it.Julian turns away, looking past the broken fan in the window at the people on the street, going about their lives like everything isn’t breaking.“I—” Alex sounds hesitant behind him. “I gotta go.”Julian knows. Alex has to go meet Sergeant Daniels. Sergeant Daniels is going to set Alex up with a new life. Julian understands.“I’ll see you later, Jules.” Alex retreats with too-quiet footsteps, slips through the door, and closes it with a deafening carefulness.Julian wonders if this is what people who walk tightropes feel like—standing above a chasm of empty space on a thin, trembling cable, tempting oblivion to swallow them up with one wrong step. But then, tightrope walkers train for that. They choose that life. Julian doesn’t know the first thing about keeping your balance. He yearns for the solid ground of yesterday, when he could still let himself believe that Alex would never even walk into a recruitment office, would never go to war, would never leave him.Outside, the sky is clear — bright and blue and painful. Julian squints into the morning sun, draws the hot, airless atmosphere into his lungs, and tries to breathe. [/vc_column_text][/vc_column][/vc_row]